Today I said to another blogger that I don’t do drugs, but that’s a lie. I feel like an addict, waiting for my next fix, waiting for your next phone call or text or email or voice mail. I’m addicted to how my heart jumps when I see your notifications, or when my phone rings as 4 AM. How did I get here? I feel so weak and pathetic, that I am so desperately left with the desire to feel your heart beat. It’s as if I’ve cease to function properly, as if I can’t quit that feeling… and that makes me sound like a crazy person…
It’s an everyday thing. Everyday, I think of you, of you and me, of us. It’s the same at night, except more painful. I lie here, awake, dreaming as if I was asleep, but I’m not. My heart is aching and my mind is racing, not just because my bed is empty and I am alone, but because I feel like I’m losing you. Not just you, but your presence as well. I feel as if I am losing that sense of comfort and assurance that usually lingers long enough for me to make it through to the next day.
Tonight, just like each night before, with my drug of choice… I fall asleep with you in my heart.