How You Lose Her

Separation, I hate that word. Distance, I hate that word too. Distance, simple yet complex, earth shattering, and relationship ending, and this got me thinking. How does one go about losing someone they care about just because of distance? I wanted to make this post about a discussion I had with my boyfriend just recently, or rather to highlight a specific topic of that discussion. He had said to me “I just don’t want to lose what we have. I just don’t want to lose you to distance.” Of course I know that separation is difficult, but I couldn’t help but giggle. My response, “No way, no way in hell will you lose me to distance.” I mean when in a relationship, where you share heart and mind and physical life with each other, it’s not as simple as… Distance. So to all of you I ask, how do you lose her? I felt I needed to post about this because maybe just maybe someone will read this and understand that they may be losing that person they love. So…

“This is how you lose her. 

You lose her when you forget to remember the little things that mean the world to her: the sincerity in a stranger’s voice during a trip to the grocery, the delight of finding something lost or forgotten like a sticker from when she was five, the selflessness of a child giving a part of his meal to another, the scent of new books in the store, the surprise short but honest notes she tucks in her journal and others you could only see if you look closely.

You must remember when she forgets. 

You lose her when you don’t notice that she notices everything about you: your use of the proper punctuation that tells her continuation rather than finality, your silence when you’re about to ask a question but you think anything you’re about to say to her would be silly, your mindless humming when it is too quiet, your handwriting when you sign your name in blank sheets of paper, your muted laughter when you are trying to be polite, and more and more of what you are, which you don’t even know about yourself, because she pays attention.

She remembers when you forget. 

You lose her for every second you make her feel less and less of the beauty that she is. When you make her feel that she is replaceable. She wants to feel cherished. When you make her feel that you are fleeting. She wants you to stay. When you make her feel inadequate. She wants to know that she is enough and she does not need to change for you, nor for anyone else because she is she and she is beautiful, kind and good.

You must learn her. 

You must know the reason why she is silent. You must trace her weakest spots. You must write to her. You must remind her that you are there. You must know how long it takes for her to give up. You must be there to hold her when she is about to.

You must love her because many have tried and failed. And she wants to know that she is worthy to be loved, that she is worthy to be kept.

And, this is how you keep her.” (Junot Díaz)